The memories that fill the mind, are the ones which are never forgotten.
She remembers all the little kids in her kindergarten class sitting in a circle at calender time, whispering and giggling. On their birthday she remembered their teacher saying, "We have two birthdays today!" She knew it was hers, but little did she know the other person would become her best friend. She remembers how confused she was that winter evening when her dad carried her out of her bed and into her brothers room, as he told her they had a death in the family, Carrie. She'll never forget the strength it took for her, as a six year old, to fight back tears at the funeral because she thought it wasn't okay for her to cry. She closes her eyes and feels the ocean breeze in Kawaii watching the tiny turtles twist and turn at sunset on Turtle Cove. She remembers the sting on her eyeballs when her eyes teared up as she sang the line; "Now his hands are trembling," at her grandpa's funeral with her cousin. She remembers the butterflies fluttering around in her stomach when she's nervous. She remembers the bright smile that constantly grows upon her face when there's ever an opportunity to smile. She remembers the feeling of success when she scores a goal, or gets first place.She remembers success is what she's aiming for.
The details and description in this piece are fenominal, it made your sentences pop, to improve I would say to give us an example of "an opporitunity to smile"
ReplyDeleteYour details and descriptions are really good and visual. As if you were there watching the whole time. TO improve it I would probally show us what you were feeling on " watching the tiny turtles twist and turn.." how did that make you feel? Also more examples on an "opportunity to smile". This was really good and almost all your sentences popped.
ReplyDeleteGreat job overall, but when I came to the end it felt like you started to rush. Especially when you're talking about how you remember the feeling of being nervous. I asked myself "Nervous of what?" after I read the sentence. Add what you were nervous of, dig deeper. Good job.
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